A little over a week ago, I had the pleasure of attending a presentation by Laura Antoniou titled "Too Kinky for Words" - addressing kinks that are considered taboo even among most of the BDSM community. Specifically, at the very beginning, she had every single person present write anonymously on a slip of paper our most taboo sexual fantasy - one we've never acted out, one that frightens or shames us. Then she collected all the papers, and spent the next hour and a half reading every one of them aloud and, anonymously, making fun of every person in the room. With an explanation about how laughter liberates us from fear, be it fear of judgment or fear of our own darkness.
After hearing so different people's "taboo" fantasies - however they defined "taboo" - the questions I've been carrying for the last week concern how we discern between fantasies we can and should act out, and the fantasies that we really can't or shouldn't.
At the beginning of the spectrum, there are the kinks that are the first examples most people think of when they hear the term "kinky": your wrist-cuffs, your spankings and canes and paddles, your blindfolds, your uniforms or leather or high-heeled shoes, your threesomes. Certainly, a large segment of society still feels greater embarrassment asking a partner to engage in anything "kinky" than they would feel asking a sexual partner to engage in, say, oral sex. (Although in the 1950's oral sex was pretty kinky too - but that's a different article for another time.) There's a reason that the fetishes listed above form a basis of the "kinky" stereotypes: because they're pretty common, and mostly safe. Finding someone who enthusiastically consents to being spanked is not especially difficult. If you have a hard time telling partners about common fetishes, I recommend reading Dan Savage's column or listening to his podcast. The sex-positive movement is all about liberating people who want to actually play with wrist-cuffs or spanking or leather. Have at it.
But then there are the sexual fantasies that we actually can't act out - such as those that feature vampires, advanced robots, or supernatural powers. And the sexual fantasies that we actually shouldn't act out - such as non-consent, pedophilia, or the extremely dangerous. And for those categories, there is fantasy. No matter how much the thought turns you on, you will probably never be bitten by an immortal being, and it will never under any circumstances be ethical to play with a literal child. But a sexually adventurous adult partner may be perfectly happy to put on a costume and pretend to be whomever or whatever you like. Most sane kinksters will not consent to playing with a loaded gun, but more may consider consenting to play-pretend with a fake prop-gun. Every BDSM scene ethically necessitates the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality: We only pretend that the bottom has no control. With costumes and further theatrical make-believe, almost anything imaginable can plausibly be acted out ethically. The next steps are to find a self-empowered adult who wants to pretend with you, and to jointly research, discuss, and mitigate any safety risks to everyone's fully-informed comfort level.
But some fantasies work better as fantasies. For example, gang-bangs are a relatively common fantasy in the straight BDSM community. But in practice, straight-identified men often have a difficult time maintaining erections while waiting around a lot of other straight-identified men. Which is why there are fluffers and dildoes; such "problems" do not destroy the possibilities. But before bringing a fantasy into literal or even play-pretend reality, it's good to remember that reality is often messier and less predictable than the fantasy. And as a friend of mine likes to say, once a fantasy scene goes wrong, then the fantasy isn't good for masturbation anymore. Some fantasies really are more fun when they're only fantasies: when they can be controlled and perfect and cherished as ours alone.
There is some stigma to anything labelled "only a fantasy." And of course, people who express their fantasies as reality are usually ridiculous and/or creepy. But as long as we can discern accurately between fantasy and reality, I say we should celebrate fantasies and fiction and their astonishing power to move us emotionally or to enhance our orgasms. Only when we appreciate the inherent value of our fantasies can we intelligibly negotiate which to act out and which to leave as fiction.
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