Last weekend I went to a panel question-and-answer session geared toward newbies in the kink Scene. And the only question to specifically address non-monogamy was, "How do you deal with jealousy?" Which is the same first question I've gotten from most of my monogamous friends, and the same question that dominates a healthy percentage of polyamory discussion groups. It's an obvious question and an extremely legitimate one. But I don't understand how jealousy merits such be-all-end-all importance.I don't pretend to be somehow immune to jealousy; of course I've been jealous of lover's other lovers before, and it's a miserable feeling. But then I have two options, which are: (1) Deal with it; or (2) Tell my husband and boyfriend that I want to be monogamous, in which case I would have to break up with at least one of them. And in the last three and a half years, there has never been a split-second that I honestly thought Option #2 could be less heartbreaking or melodramatic for me than dealing with jealousy.
How do I deal with jealousy? Well, how do I deal with sadness, or with anger, or frustration, or insecurity, or any other unpleasant emotion? My best jealousy-coping strategies suspiciously resemble the generalized coping strategies I've been using since I was fourteen and single: I rant in a private handwritten diary where it won't hurt anyone; I eat ice cream; I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sometimes I go for walks or sing karaoke. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up and non-monogamy message boards are full of great advice specifically addressing jealousy. But it's just an emotion like sadness or anger, and I don't feel a need to treat it that specially. It also fades over time, as I develop more experience with my lovers being with other people and then coming back to me.
In my experience, jealousy isn't the worst and certainly isn't the most interesting hurdle to polyamorous relationships. Society's prejudice stings too, as I learned from my poly friends fighting for custody of their children, and learned first-hand when my mother told me that my husband deserves a woman who can be faithful to him. My lovers' romantic difficulties and break-ups with other people also sting, because they make my lovers sad. Overall, most of the time, all the love and sex in my life make me pretty happy.
The discussion of how to deal with jealousy will go on, and of course it should. But there's really more to non-monogamy than this obsession with jealousy.
This is probably the best I've ever heard any of this put, Annabelle! Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI think a part of why the jealousy thing is an "obsession" is that many poly people, particularly those who are just starting out (and anyone starting ANYTHING brand new tends to be a particular kind of Annoying), tend to gloss over jealousy in order to not make poly look bad. In an effort to not have non-monogamy be "all about" that, though, they end up not including it at all, which seems not only unrealistic, especially to people who aren't poly, but doesn't do the image of polyamory any favors. If more poly people addressed it in the honest, succinct way you did, I think less people would care so much about that one particular issue. Usually, people only harp on questions they don't get satisfactorily answered.
Thank you for putting this so eloquently. In my experience, jealousy is easy-peasy in comparisson with a lack of communication. We all get jealous about something at some point, but we're grownups. So as long as we can talk about it and keep it from impacting negatively on our relationships it's on par with angry or sad or for that matter happy and joyous. I love my current partner, and he loves me; that's not going to change when we find additional loves to share our life/lives.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy coming home from a date with a huge grin on my face and having him tease the details out of me, but I love it even more when he's telling the story. Or my girlfriend (well, not lately - she's moved to London) tells me about her latest boi.